Roos hospital appointment didn't go quite as expected.

The good news is she continues to thrive and is in no apparent pain.

She was a total star and laid still as a statue for her scans and x-rays, the nurse was as surprised as we were and she had her pick of the stickers! She did look very small laid there while they took all the pictures of her skeleton but was thrilled when she was given an extra copy of her pics to show at nursery.

The bad news is that 3 of her vertebrae are showing signs of degeneration, even I could see it when they brought up the slides. We never expected this, I am trying not to worry but I feel a bit numb. The important thing is that a)she isn't in pain which is a major plus and b)if/when the pain comes there are meds she can have to help. The consultant wants to see her in 6 months, not a year and he has referred her to the specialist dental hospital. There isn't a major problem there either just some chipping but my regular dentist really doesn't understand the impact of OI on teeth (mine or Roo) and he and I want her properly checked out.

If nothing else I feel so very grateful that we live so close to the excellent care the Childrens provides. People travel from all over the country because they are so good. Anything she needs I just ring up and they sort it out. I no longer live in total fear of her a & e visits resulting in a social services investigation.

So all in all not terrible just not as good as expected. After all at 4 years old degeneration shouldn't even be a passing thought yet.

Its my college residential tomorrow and Saturday which is a good distraction but seems to have come round very quickly and it will be Monday again before I know it. And what happens when I get tired and stop paying attention? I suggest doing 10k charity runs that's what.....

Now really this snow needs to bugger off now.
I am cold. I am living in a house with more rubbish than food because the bin men haven't come in 2 weeks and everyone is panic buying so when I do get to the shops there is no food!

Happy New Year

I sort of feel obligated to post something today, not just the last day of the year but of a whole decade.

Firstly I can confirm I broke all my new years resolutions last year. Totally. But I never learn and so am making some more anyway - its traditional:

- Pass first year of diploma
- Carry on going to the gym at least once a week
- Spend less time re reading books (OK OK Twilight books) and more time studying
- Image change, this is mostly Sallis' fault for encouraging me but its well over due anyway

So a whole decade done? Its my 10th anniversary of getting together with the lovely Mr H. This relationship can now be easily quantified as a fraction of my life - a third to be exact. That feels huge and scary too. This time 10 years ago I remember nipping to Boots in town to buy a millennium diary before starting my 2 - 9 shift at Overdale. I was counting down the hours till I would see him, second guessing the way he might be feeling about me and getting repetative strain injury from the constant texting on my free barcleycard mobile. Today I made lunch for our 2 little girls. I know how I got to this point in my life, all the tears and laughter that got us here but it still doesn't seem quite real somehow.

My life has always resembled a rollercoaster and this decade has been no exception. But on balance it feels like the lows have been more than compensated for with huge high points. Its been hard work, sometimes its felt oppressive and grinding to keep going and at other times utterly effortless. But I think I have finally grasped that this is how life actually is. Constant euphoria is as unobtainable as constant depression is unbareable.

So how do I feel? Grateful. Reading the words I wrote 10 years ago I can see how vulnerable, excited, terrified and nervous I was. 10 years on I am still vulnerable, excited, terrified and nervous but the bravado seems to have mostly been replaced with at least a clear sense of self and finally some self esteem - which is nice.

Have a Happy New Year. I will be spending mine with my family (how we are all fitting in my postage sized house remains a mystery of course) and remembering a night ten years ago when I watched fire works explode over the city I love, holding my breath while falling head over heels and waiting for an end that never came.

My back is buggered for no apparent reason. This is making the mountain of Christmas tasks still incomplete even harder.

Still Chris got vodka for his work secret santa which is mine to make up for all the red wine he has inherited from me over the years.

We also indulged ourselves in a *gasp* day off together (well we have to pay for the girls nursery whether they go or not so I don't feel guilty) and we spent it all in the cinema.

First up was Avatar in 3D. The story is nothing new really, put me in mind of Starship Troopers in places. I know this makes me sound old but it is a 12a and I really wish parents would actually grasp the concept of 12a films. There was a fair bit of swearing, some pretty good fights/deaths/chases and a few freaked out 8 year olds in the cinema. The 3D was truly awesome but its the main draw really. I am not convinced Avatar will stand up so well in 2D on your home DVD.

Then, because he loves me, Chris (and 3 other equally long suffering adult males) endured Twilight: New Moon. He said it was better than the first one and he did look much less pained watching this one though I made the mistake of sighing audibly and earned myself a 'look'. I really enjoyed it *shock horror* but I wish they had kept more of the original ending from the book. Edwards speech makes me all teenage fan girls (Tata if you are reading this I just slapped myself again don't worry).

And for a few hours I could ignore Christmas and all the stress and planning that goes with it. No not bah humbug just bahhowthefuckamIgoingtogetitalldone? I am going to the gym tomorrow to try and destress and recharge and then come back blitz the house, get this obscene mountain of pressies into bags and shove a clean pair of knickers in somewhere and then its too late to worry about it all anyway!

Eye of the storm

I have moved into the calm stage of my Twilight obsession, this is a much nicer place to be.

The process has been somewhat expedited by spending time on some of the fan forums. These people scare me and I am married too and close friends with a lot of geeks of varying persuasions so I am used to obsession!

What really made me smile today is whilst perusing in Last Picture Show @ Meadowhell I was confronted by these uber fans in the flesh. They pour over the kind of stuff even I can see is over priced tat (tho Santa, if you are reading, the grey beanie hat with the Cullen crest on is quite nice, reminds me of the No Doubt/Queen greatest hit album covers). A little further away a 15 or so year old girl was sighing at various posters of Edward/Robert Pattinson. Her distinctly less attractive boyfriend was rolling his eyes at her. The conversation went something like this:

'He is so gorgeous'
'Can't see the attraction me sen'
'He is just perfect' *sigh* *swoon*
'Well buy one then'
'I can't.. choose.. can't have him on my wall. It'll make me cry to look at him'

'Aww bless' I thought, quickly followed by 'thank god that's not me, I remember that bit so well.'

And I carried on to the gym and my referral paperwork stuff (which all went fine. I have an induction next Saturday and can then get cracking.) I suspect this thing is not quite done with me yet. I am probably going to go and see New Moon on the 21st and of course I get the last 2 books on Christmas day so I fully expect to leave the calm of the eye of the storm again.

But at least I am enjoying it now. Several things are starting to fall into place for me now, the numbness and otherness I have been stuck in recently is fading a bit.

And in a couple of hours I am taking Roo and my mum to see a virtual Bobby Knutt in panto - what's not to like?

or maybe its because I feel stuck in my own twilight?
never actually myself.
Maybe thats it