Eye of the storm

I have moved into the calm stage of my Twilight obsession, this is a much nicer place to be.

The process has been somewhat expedited by spending time on some of the fan forums. These people scare me and I am married too and close friends with a lot of geeks of varying persuasions so I am used to obsession!

What really made me smile today is whilst perusing in Last Picture Show @ Meadowhell I was confronted by these uber fans in the flesh. They pour over the kind of stuff even I can see is over priced tat (tho Santa, if you are reading, the grey beanie hat with the Cullen crest on is quite nice, reminds me of the No Doubt/Queen greatest hit album covers). A little further away a 15 or so year old girl was sighing at various posters of Edward/Robert Pattinson. Her distinctly less attractive boyfriend was rolling his eyes at her. The conversation went something like this:

'He is so gorgeous'
'Can't see the attraction me sen'
'He is just perfect' *sigh* *swoon*
'Well buy one then'
'I can't.. choose.. can't have him on my wall. It'll make me cry to look at him'

'Aww bless' I thought, quickly followed by 'thank god that's not me, I remember that bit so well.'

And I carried on to the gym and my referral paperwork stuff (which all went fine. I have an induction next Saturday and can then get cracking.) I suspect this thing is not quite done with me yet. I am probably going to go and see New Moon on the 21st and of course I get the last 2 books on Christmas day so I fully expect to leave the calm of the eye of the storm again.

But at least I am enjoying it now. Several things are starting to fall into place for me now, the numbness and otherness I have been stuck in recently is fading a bit.

And in a couple of hours I am taking Roo and my mum to see a virtual Bobby Knutt in panto - what's not to like?

or maybe its because I feel stuck in my own twilight?
never actually myself.
Maybe thats it

Conversations with my 15 year old self

I am in the middle of another crush. Like all my crushes it crept up on me unawares and then hit me between the eyes - wham.

This time its Twilight (the books not the time of day), previously its been a varied selection from unobtainable friends of friends, Captain Kirk, Madness, Kelly Osborne to Eddie Izzard. Until now I couldn't see what linked them or why this still happens periodically - aren't I too old by now?

But unpicking my phyche is becoming second nature to me now. I suddenly see that all these day dreams and unobtainable fantasies are some sort of defense mechanism. When I day dreamed about Morten Harkit pulling me in to the pages of a comic book at age 6, it wasn't because I loved him or even wanted to be the low rent Madonna-a-like from the video, I just wanted to escape from what was going on around me at that time. In the same way Star Trek got me through year 14, Madness year 15, Eddie Izzard - 18 and so on.

I used to walk past a psychiatric hospital on my way to uni. I remember one day walking most of the way in the company of a patient. She wasn't much older than me, very chatty and friendly. As we walked she told me all about her boyfriend, who just so happened to be Marti Pellow of Wet Wet Wet. She explained how they had met, how their relationship had progressed and why they had to keep it a secret and maintain the charade of her being 'ill'. I certainly didn't feel frightened, I didn't even feel pity, I just recognised that here was someone who used the same coping mechanisms as me it was just she had let go of her touch stone and become totally lost in her own head.

Its not like I didn't try to let go of the sides more than once too. There have been times I have willed myself to let go, stop treading water and luxuriate in a painless drowning into my own head. But there is something intrinsic in me that has never let me take that final step and remains resolutely in the present no matter how painful that might be. And for that I am finally glad because it means I can now enjoy these crushes for the harmless diversions they are, knowing I will never over step that boundary.

Its not rocket science why this is rearing its head now. I am under a lot of pressure - ironically its nearly all of my own creation and in my own head. College is about to step up a gear, we have our advanced skills module to complete where we council each other on tape. Its our one shot before placement. I have gladly surrendered the stifling need to be perfect and embraced a philosophy of sufficient - but still the pressure is there. With a lot of my waking (and sleeping) hours devoted to unraveling my thoughts and responses, detailing and deconstructing them, is it any wonder I need some R&R space in my head. This provides me with some distraction, some distance from everything and everyone.

And if that space happens to be populated with ridiculously beautiful and equally conflicted vampires, that's not such a big thing is it? In fact it was reading the second book 'New Moon' that highlighted it for me. Meyers description of an 18 year old who is beyond heart broken, testing the limits of mortality whilst numb rang so painfully true. In turn I began to join the dots and link all my crushes up. Its good, its liberating, I am not ashamed of them, I am just grateful that my mind has developed this rather handy safety valve.

Finally I am also relieved that this crush involves vampires and some aspect of horror and fear. Since getting pregnant with Roo I have gone from a horror fan who likes to be made to jump, a Cornwell fan with a fairly large collection of gruesome murder mystery books to someone unable to deal with anything unpleasant at all. I am glad to see that this facit of me is returning, not least because to work in the real world I will have to reacquaint myself with the real horrors that inhabit it. I have missed not just the horror films but the hard hitting films and documentaries that made me think and experience what it is like for other people. Bizarrely by revisiting my very sad and lonely 15 year old self, my 30 year old self has learnt and grown a great deal :)

Oooops its been ages since I blogged, how did that happen?

Sometimes life feels mind numbingly repetitive and the days all merge into each other. Its not as negative as that may sound, its just the way life is I guess. You stick your head down and get on with it and its only when you come up for air you realise its been ages since you saw your friends or had a break.

College is hugely intense. The academic side is pretty straight forward, the emotional work is intense and draining and it leaves me feeling pretty vulnerable. Its hard to balance the need to be open and accept that vulnerability (its part of the process after all) and the equally valid self defense mechanisms. I am also aware I need to do some more proactive self care stuff.

I have my exercise referral this week so hopefully that will kill two birds with one stone. Roo and I are doing so yoga too which is nice - even if I spend most of the time holding her up, she inherited her mothers (lack of) balance.

Today my mum in law and I took the girls to see Peppa Pig switch on some of the Crimbo lights in Sheffield. About 200 small (mostly female) people squealing really is a noise and sight to behold. Today its a 5 foot pink pig, blink and it'll be some over oiled teeny boy band *sigh* it was worth bitter winds and snowy rain for the look on their faces, especially when Peppa came over and held Roo's hand :)

Next month my mum, Roo and I are going to see the legend that is Bobby Knutt and some other people in panto. I really don't care if its any good or not I'll mostly be watching her!

The nicest thing right now is that I am finally getting the dividends of having the girls so close together. I can just about forgive them getting up at 5am because they play and talk to each other and for all the fights really are best friends. And they make me laugh, not in that 'I should because I am your mother' way but genuine belly laughs.

Is it nearly Christmas? Can I pretend its not just yet?

I saw the doctor today. She is lovely but she is younger than me and calls me Mrs, this combined with the query arthritis makes me feel like a right gimmer!
Anyway have xrays tomorrow and then hopefully that will give a clearer picture. She says the pain is localised to the joint but there is still a chance its referred muscular pain so I am tying to be positive.
I declined stronger pain killers for now as other than morphine nothing seems to work that well and I have a high tolerance already. As mum says stay off the opiates as long as possible! She has long been at a stage where if they gave her the next level of stuff she will basically be on crack....

Half term this week so geting lots of work done today and still recovering from seeing the delectable Mr Izzard in concert last night. So strange to think its almost 10 years to the day when we saw him last - but not together. I took my mum, who knew the tall grinning bloke I waved at on the way in would turn out to be her son in law? Its a funny old life.

Just because you can see the juggarnaught coming, doesn't mean it hurts less when it hits you

I am going to see the GP on Monday about the hip pain.

It is far worse and far more prolonged than I have been prepared to admit. Sometimes it makes me limp, often it makes me go to the toilets and cry silently and most of the time I feel like I am walking in treacle.

I am shocked I am so upset. Somehow I thought always knowing arthritis was 99.9% likely in light of the OI and family history would mean I would just accept this. But its like labour, you know that's going to hurt and think you have accepted it until your are screaming in pain and want someone to shoot you.

Earlier I was walking Roo home. She ran off ahead and I shouted to come back, she said I should run too. I said I couldn't and that mummy's leg hurt a bit. She said she would put a plaster on when we got home and make it all better. Its made me cry. I had somehow convinced myself that she wouldn't have to go through this, that I would be able to run around and play and yet I feel like my childhood is starting to repeat. And of course I look at this beautiful child who has my dodgy DNA and wonder if in 26 years time she will be feeling the way I do now.

I do keep telling myself that until there is a definite diagnosis I can't get too upset but at the same time it is hard to ignore. I feel so cheated. I walk well over an average of 10,000 steps a day and I am continuing to do so because after a while it helps the pain (until I stop anyway) and I am trying to loose weight and ease the strain on my joints. I don't smoke anymore (odd drunken and not indiscretions aside), drink moderately, eat my greens. 10 years ago I did none of these things and was a hell of a lot slimmer and in mostly less pain. Now I just feel old.

O and invisible. I am partly to blame for being stupidly busy but its been interesting (in a kind of sadio masochistic sense) to see just how many people remember I am supposed to be their friend. The highlight this week was standing there while people I thought were my friends all arranged a night out while I stood there feeling 15 again, a total idiot and was totally ignored.

Its very strange that on one hand with my study and course mates I feel I am more secure in myself, able and involved. I am enjoying studying, learning and even the scary stuff is exhilarating. And with everyone else I feel lost and lacking in any ability to stand up for myself. That said physical and mental wellbeing are linked of course and I am probably safer hibernating and licking my wounds for a while whilst I try and get my head round all of this.

I fell asleep on the sofa earlier after a long morning at a Christening. Me falling asleep/exhuatsed beyond belief seems to be constant now so I guess an iron check is probably due which won't show anything. So the Dr will tell me to take it easier. I'll nod, we'll both know nothing will change and off we will go for another year!
(This is also what happens when discussing joint pain every 6 months only that involves a heavy duty painkiller scrip and vauge mutterings about bone scans and the like)

Anyway I am confuzzled as to what day it is, tired but unlikely to sleep after my nap (this is where the kids get it from) and I have indigestion because we had a power cut meaning my dinner was over an hour late and not up to scratch.

I hate Sundays.

I am looking forward to college tomorrow. I feel like I am getting into it all and enjoying it so much my only complaint is the word limits aren't nearly big enough. Anyone who knows me from uni will know what a 360 degree turn around THAT is!

Coming week is a bit mental as have youngest nephew to stay on top of all the usual malarky and would like to see my friends at some point too.